Misophonia

This post is a little different from most of my normal posts. This one is about Misophonia, which is also known as 4S or Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome. Misophonia literally means ‘hatred of noise’. There are certain noises that act as triggers for people, such as eating or tapping or sniffing. People who suffer from Misophonia can fall into one of ten categories based on the severity of their reactions.

If you’re at all interested, you can look on www.misophonia.com to have a look at the scale. I think almost everyone could identify with group one: 

“A person with a minimal level of involvement with Misophonia may be aware that some sounds can be a problem or an annoyance but does not seem to have a significant negative experience with them. Some people have commented on a sound “getting on their nerves.”’

Group ten reads more like this:
“At this level of the spectrum, people report having had violent behavior. They say they have physically attacked another person or have caused themselves some significant degree of harm.”

 

According to the self-test on the website, I suffer from Misophonia and I rank at about Group eight. It actually feels amazing to give my behaviour a rhyme and reason. For years I’ve found it difficult and uncomfortable eating with people. I hate the niggly habits people have but I’ve always assumed that it’s just a pet peeve and that I’ll get over it. But with certain people, my reactions are worse. If I feel comfortable around them, I’ll slam things, throw things, shout and get really hot-headed. If I’m not so comfortable around people, I tend to just sit and shake and bounce my legs in an attempt to distract myself. 

A thing that everyone should understand about Misophonia is that it’s not just that it bugs you or you’d rather someone had table manners. It’s something that drives you to the point where you get so wound up that you want to lash out and make it stop. I feel really sorry for Joel and admire him at the same time. We rarely argue but when we do, it’s when he eats and I kick off. I’m not a confrontational person, in fact I would rather run from a fight, but when it comes to eating I will just explode. It’s been reassuring to know that I’m not just someone with a short fuse and a sharp tongue. I hate myself for being so harsh with him – after all, he’s only eating! 

It’s not only Joel that gets it in the neck. My best friend Aim will get glares and comments when she’s munching away on sweets. It doesn’t help that she’s incredibly asthmatic and would probably die if she had to eat with her mouth closed the entire time. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to scream at her though! Her Dad is worse. On family holidays or whenever we go out for food together, I make every effort to sit as far away from him as possible because he eats like a goat. He grinds his teeth together with his mouth open and you can hear every smack of his lips. I feel my blood pressure rise instantly and I have to look away or make some other noise to cover it. 

Do you want to know more bad news? There’s no cure or treatment for it. At least, not yet. It’s not a hearing problem that can be resolved at the ENT clinic. It’s down to the individual to find their own methods of coping. This is where I struggle. No matter how much I glare or shout, I can’t begin to relax until the noise has stopped and I’m distracted by something else. Once I hear the noise, I can’t shut it out or focus on anything else. My coping mechanism may well be to walk away. I don’t really know yet, I haven’t got that far.

But if you’re still reading this, firstly I thank you, and secondly I’d like you to raise awareness of it. If there’s somebody you know who gets cranky or violent when you make a noise, even if YOU don’t notice it, show them the Misophonia website. It might mean the world to them to know that they’re not acting irrationally and that they do have something beyond their control. Spare a thought for the person next to you in a restaurant who may feel the urge to stab you with your own steak knife if you’re eating with your mouth open. Feel sorry for the person giving you a death stare as you sit there tapping your feet. Think twice before arguing with the person asking you not to pop your chewing gum. We can’t help it! 

And if we’re ever out together for food and I run away, I’m sorry in advance ;)

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015!

So, here we are again.
Another end to another year and another exciting year to come!

Here's was my 2014 in a nutshell:

- I finished University and graduated with a 2.1

- I went to Malta with Joel to celebrate our 5 year anniversary

- I started working in a school with four Italian students

- I got offered a place in Cardiff Met to do my PGCE in September

- Joel and I have managed to scrape together money for a mortgage deposit

So all in all, this has been a pretty good year. But the exciting thing is, 2015 will be even better! We will be able to get a house, move out and start our own life together. I'll be doing my PGCE and working towards my career as an MFL Teacher. 

Some things have fallen by the wayside a bit though. I haven't been able to see many of my friends, and definitely not as often as I'd have liked. The same goes for my family and for Joel too. 

I'm pretty sure my New Year's Resolution last year was to spend more time with the people close to me. It's safe to say that didn't happen! I'm taking this year and next year as selfish time. I will use this time to get where I need to be and hopefully, the people who really are closest to me will understand. 

This year, I won't be making a New Year's Resolution. I want to be slimmer and more toned, but rather than setting myself up to fail, I'll just go to the gym and do it myself. I want to spend more time with people, but making a promise to myself at midnight isn't going to help. 

Instead, my dearest friend Aim showed me how to make "Remembulation Jars". Rather than setting yourself up for a failure, you personalise a jar and fill it throughout the year with all your accomplishments and memories. So when New Year's Eve rolls around again, you can empty out your jar and remember how amazing your year was. 

I'm so excited for the year to come. I'm excited for all of the changes that are waiting for us; the house, the career and whatever else is around the corner! I'm not going to make resolutions but I do want to spend more time with those closest to me. I want to make memories and visit places and do things. It's going to be a struggle balancing that and all the work I'm doing. But I know it'll pay off in the end.

So I wish you all a very happy New Year and I hope you all achieve your goals this coming year. And if you don't, just sit back and appreciate all the things you have done. 365 days await. 365 days in which ANYTHING could happen. 

I'm excited. Aren't you?

A thought about Christmas

John Lewis’ Christmas advert is fantastic, isn’t it? If you haven’t seen it, go onto YouTube and watch it. It’s a lovely video about a boy and his penguin who do everything together but the penguin wants his own penguin mate. On Christmas morning, the boy takes the penguin downstairs and there’s another penguin under the tree. They all live happily ever after. I love the advert; it’s beautiful, it has some deeper meaning and there are penguins in it!

Now let’s talk about the Sainsbury’s advert. If you haven’t seen that one either, forget the penguin advert. Grab your tissues and go and watch the Sainsbury’s advert. It beautifully tells the WWI story of the troops in No Mans Land on Christmas Day. It’s such a wonderful advert and so well done. I don’t know how factually correct the ending is, but I thought it was a lovely thought anyway. When the fun is over and the soldiers return to their trenches, two of the soldiers had swapped chocolate and what looks to be bread. For all the things we want and ask for in these modern and commercial times, these (fictional) soldiers who were away from home and away from families, were grateful and happy to be receiving bread and chocolate from a friend.

I wonder if anybody feels that same feeling when we receive our gifts on Christmas Day. Of course, we are all probably grateful and happy for the things we receive but it’s not necessary, is it? 

I will be working pretty much every day over the festive period, including Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I would much rather be free to visit my family on Christmas and share mince pies with my Dad. Or spend the day with my Niece and Nephews and play with their toys with them. Or go out for a romantic walk with Joel and Pepsi through the snowy woods, all bundled up in scarves and hats. It won’t be too bad, I’ll be spending my Christmas with the regular customers from the pub and no doubt they’ll make it special.

But time is what I want for Christmas. Time. Joel and I are working until we drop, trying to put money aside for a mortgage and a wedding. However, for just a few special days, just for Christmas, I wish the world would stop and we would have time to see each other and spend some loving, quality time together. 

So here’s a Christmas message from me. If you’ve already finished your Christmas shopping like I have, high-five! If not, what are you waiting for? But remember this:

Rather than spending hours and days wandering the shops looking for presents, why don’t you spend time with the important people instead? Go out together, see things together, make memories together! Because a few years down the line when the remote control car or the coffee maker is broken, you’ll still have the photos or memories of the snowy walk you went on or the dinner you made and ate together. 

Time is precious. People are precious. It’s time we let the special people know that they are precious.

Also, if you haven't heard it already, I recommend you listen to a song called Belleau Wood by Garth Brooks. It tells the story of the WWI soldiers and it's just beautiful!

Garth Brooks - Belleau Wood

Gratitude

This is a really important post for me and I hope I can do it justice. 

I mentioned, once or twice, in my previous posts that I do a lot of complaining. Nothing is ever perfect and I'm always looking for improvements and never satisfied with what I have. Every time I realise this, I say that I'm going to change and I don't think I ever really do.

But this week, something happened that made me realise that, even if I can't stop myself from aiming higher and wanting more, I can at least be grateful for what I have.

Earlier this year, I lost my half-brother to cancer. Earlier this month, another half-brother lost his mother to cancer. Last week, a good friend told me that he had been diagnosed with cancer for the third time. The good news is, he should be out of hospital today after getting the all-clear on Friday. 

A year or two ago, I didn't know anybody with cancer and now, it seems to be everywhere I look. In July, I did the 10k Race For Life for Cancer Research and this month, I did a 46 mile bike ride from Brecon (although we got tremendously lost and I'm sure we did more than 46 miles...) to Taffs Well. I cried after the bike ride because I was in so much pain. But the pain I had from 8 hours of cycling must be nothing in comparison to living with cancer or, even worse, living after losing someone to cancer. 

I'm not just talking about cancer in this post. I'm talking about anything that could be waiting around the corner. It makes me remember when I got off the coach after my school trip to France in Year 7 and getting picked up by my Grandma, despite me living with my Dad not two streets away. I knew something was wrong. The next day, they took me into the hospital to see him. He was sat in his bed, looking the same as he always did, but with an info pack about heart attacks on his lap. A lot changed for me that day. My Dad isn't just my Dad. He brought me up all on his own and had to make so many changes to his life and so many important decisions on his own. I can look back now on the rough times and know that everybody makes mistakes but he always had my best interests at heart. I can remember sitting on that hospital bed knowing that I could've lost my Dad that weekend. My Dad is my world. My hero. What hurts even more is that I know he wont be here forever. None of us will. 

Joel left for work this morning after we had a bit of a bicker. We don't argue because, at the moment, there's nothing in our lives that we need to argue about. Things will change when we have bills, children and a mortgage but for now it's less important. I still feel guilty knowing that something could've happened on the way to work and our last words would've been our little spat. I know I can't go through life thinking every minute could be the last. That's depressing and I'll probably end up having a breakdown. But I know that, even though we bicker, we're still gold. I could never be without him and he could never be without me. We know how much we mean to each other. That's what is important.

So here's a message from me.

Thank you Dad for everything that you have ever done and will ever do for me. You are my hero and you mean the world to me. One day, in the very, very distant future, you'll know that I spent the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.

Joel, you're the one for me! I can't wait to marry you, have a family with you and grow old with you. I love you more than life itself... but then, you know all that!

Aimz! You truly are the best friend a gal could have. You're there for me when I need you, you have an amazing sense of humour and you just get me. More importantly, you stand by me, even when you don't agree with my choices or when you know I'm making mistakes. You're a good egg.

And to my other friends, no matter how little or often we see each other, no matter how long we go without catching up, you're all special to me. I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me and I want you all to know that. 

So there it is. My post about gratitude. I'm grateful for life. I'm grateful for love. I'm grateful for eternal friendship. Above all, I'm grateful for waking up each day knowing that I have the time to live, love, make mistakes and make memories. 

You can all put your kleenex away now, I'm done writing.

Thank you

Perspective

I think it's safe to say 2014 has already been a turbulent year. Well, that's my excuse for not having written a blog post in ten months...

So here's a quick review of 2014:
I graduated from Cardiff University with a 2.1 Hons in German and Italian. I failed miserably at a Graduate Assessment Day. I hated working at BMW for all of four hours. I'm still working in Fagins. I also work in Tesco. I've started learning Welsh. I still live with Joel's family. 

But.

As soon as my DBS check clears, I'll be mentoring an Italian girl in Cantonian High School as she speaks little to no English. Hopefully, I'll also be taking on her brother which would be an amazing opportunity for me. At some point this month, the applications will open for next year's PGCE course in Cardiff Met so I can start getting my life in order. By April, Joel and I should have enough money to get a mortgage and start making our own lives together. After Christmas, Aim and I will be popping to Paris for a cheap yet cultural trip around the capital. Also, plans are in motion to go interrailing around Europe in the summer! Oh, to be young! 

So I guess my monotonous everyday life doesn't sound too bad once in perspective!
And I think that's one of the most important things I've learned recently. Everything can seem better or seem worse by changing your perspective. I work ridiculous hours and never see Joel or my friends. But I'm earning money to put towards our house and future. I haven't eaten chocolate, cake or biscuits in 15 days because Scofftober seemed like a good idea. But I'll be healthier for it! 

One of my faults is that I complain a lot. I'm trying to be more appreciative and change my perspective. I miss Joel a lot. We're like ships in the night at the moment. But whenever we get a few minutes together just to cuddle and tell each other what we've missed, it feels like that time is more precious. The same goes for my friends. I'm scraping desperately to get some time together to meet up with people, but at least it'll be worth the wait when plans do fall into place. 

I'm happy I'm working (and I think my bank balance will be too!) and I'm happy I'm busy. I could be sat on the sofa doing nothing all day but instead I'm making small yet vital steps for my future. That's a far better way to think about stacking shelves in Tesco, now isn't it?

Like I said - perspective!

Hurrah 2014!

First of all, I should acknowledge that I haven't written a blog post since September! Honestly, I have no idea how that happened...

Well actually I do.

I started back at University for my final year. Yes, that happened. And boy, is it busy! I have two exams within the next week and despite having done revision, I am honestly crapping myself. It's my penultimate batch of exams and the pressure is definitely on! 

I also managed to get myself a part time (!) job in a bar in Taffs Well called Fagins. If you haven't been there, you should. The food is amazing, the live music is usually pretty awesome and the drink prices are alright too! I've worked SO much over Christmas so bank balance is happier but revision timetable isn't looking as full as I'd hoped...

Since September, things have pretty much been the same. I've occupied myself with work for University and working the regular shifts in the bar. Christmas was busy, as was New Years. For Christmas, I got quite a lot of presents and they were all lovely. My favourite is quite hard to pick really. I got a dressing gown from Joel's parents and I haven't had one since I was about 7 so I LOVE it. I got tonnes of socks and if you ever wanna make me happy - buy me socks! However, the gift on my number one spot has got to be my scratch map! If you don't know what this is, google it! It's a giant wall map and you scratch off the counties that you've been to. This has already led to ANOTHER holiday being decided -_- oops! 

So me and Joel went to a wedding fayre in the bay today. It was huge! We saw so many amazing stands and stalls and can promise all the guests to our wedding, that you will have an amazing and eventful day! We came away with a bag full of leaflets and prices and ideas and we sat down and drew up a budget of our entire wedding. It's actually insanely do-able! So the saving begins! 

So 2014, what do you have in store for me? 

Well hopefully, I will graduate from University with a satisfying grade. I will spend a week in Malta with Joel for our 5 year anniversary. I will spend a week in Greece with Aim just to relax after the last 15 years of education!! Hopefully, I will get the full time job that I have my heart set on, but only time will tell. More than anything, I hope I will be in a more stable and secure place than I am now. I hope I will have savings, and more concrete wedding plans and almost have a deposit for a house! 

2014, I hope you will turn out to be the exciting year that I think you're going to be!

Daydreaming

This is a bit of an airy-fairy post - not exactly a concrete update!

I've had some real daydreaming issues in the last week and I don't think I've ever enjoyed daydreaming this much. The things that I'm thinking about are really worrying and most of you are going to think I've gone mad! 

I am genuinely excited for Autumn and for Winter. 

I have my favourite coat, I've bought some stunning new boots, I discovered my racoon wooly hat and gloves and I am totally ready for the cold weather. 

I think about me and Joel taking a romantic stroll through Bute Park and feeling the golden brown, red and yellow leaves crunching beneath our feet as we pull each other closer and comment on our breath in the air :)

I think about taking Courtney, Harry and Oscar to the ice-rink and cuddling up in a cafe somewhere with a round of hot chocolates to warm up. The feeling of cold fingers on hot cups and the sight of chocolate covered smiles :)

I think about dashing home from Uni in the rain, throwing my wet clothes in the wash, putting on the biggest, fluffiest jumpers and slippers and curling up on the couch and reading a book :)

I think about standing out in the cold watching fireworks on Bonfire Night, marvelling at the pictures in the sky until we can no longer feel our noses and then heading home to curl up in front of the fire :)

I think about taking the little 'uns Trick or Treating, dressed up as pumpkins, bats and vampires, wandering round in the cold, asking for sweets and chocolate and getting home with big piles of stuff which we have to save until after dinner ;) 

I think about Christmas, having the new puppy ripping at the wrapping paper while we play with our new gadgets and gizmos, waiting for the food to be cooked and watching the snow fall outside :) 

As much as I love summer and wearing nicer clothes and sunbathing and going on holidays and things, I think there's a lot to be said for Winter. It's a time to get closer together. A time to bundle up and not worry how much you weigh; just put on a bigger jumper! A time to curl up in front of the fire and watch movies. A time to wear animal hats and gloves. A time to feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Bring on the Winter <3 My new favourite season :)