2015: What a year!

2015. What a year! It’s safe to say that this has been yet another rollercoaster of a year in my life. But as we enter the final few days, I know that I’ve made the right decisions.

As I think you’re all aware, I’ve said goodbye to some people (and vehicles) this year. Had you have asked me last year if I could ever do that, I’d have said you were crazy. This year has made me realise just how fast things can change. We have the ability to shape and change our lives with the decisions we make, but sometimes life takes charge and captains your life in the direction in which you are probably too scared to sail. Have you ever had an outer body experience in which someone asks you life-defining and life-changing questions and somehow, from somewhere, you’re giving the most honest and heart-breaking answers without a moment’s thought. I have. I turned my life upside down that day and I don’t think I’ll forget it very easily.

Only hours earlier, I had somebody, who had previously been fairly closed about their romantic intentions, offer me all I’d ever wanted in a single breath. “It doesn’t have to be a dream”. For years, I’d been unsure about myself and I had done whatever was necessary to keep it under wraps and be the person everybody expected. But with one sentence, somebody offered a “get out of jail free” card, a one-way ticket to freedom, a way to be me. With that, I embarked on some of the most painful but liberating few months of my life. But I had her by my side the whole time. Lau has been my crutch through every decision I’ve had to make, and she’s also been the person I’ve shared the best times with.

I don’t care what people say when they see us. Lau knows I enjoy winding people up when we catch them staring. I think the best two were a young guy and girl who watched us dancing in Flares, the entire time open mouthed. I’d like to point out, we were horrifically Dad-dancing to Cyndi Lauper, but perhaps it was the age gap, perhaps it was the fact we’re two girls. Either way, their reactions were pretty hilarious! I’ve come down from my pedestal this year. I used to sneer at age gaps but now I realise that it was pure ignorance. Lau reckons we work because I’m mature for my age. I reckon it’s because she is such a child! Maybe we meet half way? I’ve learned not to judge from what you see. People can be incredibly happy together – who cares if it’s not a coupling that would make the front page of “Vogue”?

I’ve met some lovely people through the PGCE too. Maybe it’s because we’re that little bit older now, or maybe because the course is just so damn hard. But the people I’m studying with are so down to earth and somehow make me laugh when sometimes I want to cry. Huddling around a cold table in the SU telling our horror stories from the previous week and crying with laughter at the punchlines of the tales has become my favourite way to spend a Monday. It’s refreshing to be around people who can so openly admit flaws and failures and can laugh about them. There’s little time for judgements or prejudice. I no longer feel under constant speculation because I don’t want to go out drinking or partying until silly o’clock. Some of us bond over wearing the same Primark cardigan and nobody mentions the importance of Hollister or who has spent the most money on their expensive jeans. The offer of going for a coffee instead of the pub is such a welcome notion. A world away from the freshers and undergrads, I finally feel at home!

I could rattle on all day about what a year it has been, but for those of you who care and are still reading, here’s a little break down of a rollercoaster year:

January 2015 – Aim and I went to Disneyland Paris after a little bit of cultural tourism around the city first, naturally. She managed to get me onto a rollercoaster that does a loop-the-loop which I then requested we go on another nine times…

March 2015 – Jen and I went to Amsterdam for a dance audition (her, not me) and enjoyed a lovely little European weekend away!

March 2015 – St Patrick’s Day specifically. Lau and I started to get to know each other a little more with the help of the Creigiau Inn.

May 2015 – The month of coming out the cupboard!

June 2015 – I bought my first car! A little black KA called Mickey. Unfortunately, I crashed him in September…

July 2015 – My Disney Princess birthday party haha!

August 2015 – Pride Cymru. Lau and I went to Pride in Cardiff and were part of the march. We were actually on TV ;) oh yeah!

August 2015 – Le Touquet. Lau and I went to France for a little getaway. It was lush! The weather was stunning, the resort was charming and we really found our feet!

August 2015 – We moved to our new house in Porth!

September 2015 – I embarked on my PGCE Secondary MFL. I’m currently teaching French and Italian in a Secondary School near Blackwood. After a scrambled month last year in which I worked for BMW for half a day and other crazy ideas, I finally realised what I’m meant to do with my life. I love teaching!

October 2015 - With a little help, I threw my big sister a surprise 30th birthday party! Success!

October 2015 – My Dad came to visit and we had lots of crazy adventures including climbing Pen-y-Fan.

December 2015 – Mine and Lau’s first Christmas together. My first Christmas with my sister and the kids! Magic!

Everything changed. But as the dust settles, I have a girlfriend who I love and who loves me. We have a nice (albeit temporarily scaffolded) house to live in. We have just had a modest yet magical Christmas spent with family and friends. We now look forward to the next year together, anxiously excited to see what adventures and rollercoasters await in 2016.

Misophonia

This post is a little different from most of my normal posts. This one is about Misophonia, which is also known as 4S or Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome. Misophonia literally means ‘hatred of noise’. There are certain noises that act as triggers for people, such as eating or tapping or sniffing. People who suffer from Misophonia can fall into one of ten categories based on the severity of their reactions.

If you’re at all interested, you can look on www.misophonia.com to have a look at the scale. I think almost everyone could identify with group one: 

“A person with a minimal level of involvement with Misophonia may be aware that some sounds can be a problem or an annoyance but does not seem to have a significant negative experience with them. Some people have commented on a sound “getting on their nerves.”’

Group ten reads more like this:
“At this level of the spectrum, people report having had violent behavior. They say they have physically attacked another person or have caused themselves some significant degree of harm.”

 

According to the self-test on the website, I suffer from Misophonia and I rank at about Group eight. It actually feels amazing to give my behaviour a rhyme and reason. For years I’ve found it difficult and uncomfortable eating with people. I hate the niggly habits people have but I’ve always assumed that it’s just a pet peeve and that I’ll get over it. But with certain people, my reactions are worse. If I feel comfortable around them, I’ll slam things, throw things, shout and get really hot-headed. If I’m not so comfortable around people, I tend to just sit and shake and bounce my legs in an attempt to distract myself. 

A thing that everyone should understand about Misophonia is that it’s not just that it bugs you or you’d rather someone had table manners. It’s something that drives you to the point where you get so wound up that you want to lash out and make it stop. I feel really sorry for Joel and admire him at the same time. We rarely argue but when we do, it’s when he eats and I kick off. I’m not a confrontational person, in fact I would rather run from a fight, but when it comes to eating I will just explode. It’s been reassuring to know that I’m not just someone with a short fuse and a sharp tongue. I hate myself for being so harsh with him – after all, he’s only eating! 

It’s not only Joel that gets it in the neck. My best friend Aim will get glares and comments when she’s munching away on sweets. It doesn’t help that she’s incredibly asthmatic and would probably die if she had to eat with her mouth closed the entire time. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to scream at her though! Her Dad is worse. On family holidays or whenever we go out for food together, I make every effort to sit as far away from him as possible because he eats like a goat. He grinds his teeth together with his mouth open and you can hear every smack of his lips. I feel my blood pressure rise instantly and I have to look away or make some other noise to cover it. 

Do you want to know more bad news? There’s no cure or treatment for it. At least, not yet. It’s not a hearing problem that can be resolved at the ENT clinic. It’s down to the individual to find their own methods of coping. This is where I struggle. No matter how much I glare or shout, I can’t begin to relax until the noise has stopped and I’m distracted by something else. Once I hear the noise, I can’t shut it out or focus on anything else. My coping mechanism may well be to walk away. I don’t really know yet, I haven’t got that far.

But if you’re still reading this, firstly I thank you, and secondly I’d like you to raise awareness of it. If there’s somebody you know who gets cranky or violent when you make a noise, even if YOU don’t notice it, show them the Misophonia website. It might mean the world to them to know that they’re not acting irrationally and that they do have something beyond their control. Spare a thought for the person next to you in a restaurant who may feel the urge to stab you with your own steak knife if you’re eating with your mouth open. Feel sorry for the person giving you a death stare as you sit there tapping your feet. Think twice before arguing with the person asking you not to pop your chewing gum. We can’t help it! 

And if we’re ever out together for food and I run away, I’m sorry in advance ;)